In spite of the bugs, parts of the house are starting to come together. We got rid of some bulky furniture pieces and have been decorating a bit. However, we still don't have a kitchen/dining room table or un-torn couches, so we have been spending a lot of time on the floor. We have been making the most of this rough transition, strumming on the guitar and singing along in the evenings, celebrating our small supply of organic food by stir-frying it in the midst of the 90 degree indoor temperatures (our air is ineffective in the afternoons), and conversing at length about both school-related and life-related topics on a regular basis. I am so thankful to have such amazing roommates. They really care about the world and our place in it.
School starts on Monday. Four days from now.
My classroom is almost all the way set up, and it is looking so much better! After making use of $100 worth of cleaning supplies from Wal-Mart, it is finally beginning to feel right, to feel like a place where my students and I can feel safe, creative, and empowered to become better humans. On one of the televisions on the wall, I put a sign saying "turn it off!!" and on the other, I put a sign saying "Carpe Diem." Above the board reads the phrase "find the meaning behind the math." Some days I feel so excited and optimistic about my incoming students, but other days, I tremble.
My roommate, Laura, had her first day of school today (!). I knew it wasn't good when I saw her quavering in her car, speaking on the phone long after she had parked. She came in and I rubbed her back and gave her freshly cut watermelon while she told me that in one of her periods, no one listened to a word she said. From the very beginning. She told them at the door to take a sheet and begin silently working on it. They all started talking and didn't complete the sheet. The problems are so structural. Sometimes, as outsiders, we feel powerless. She can't send her students out because the principal won't do anything to them and will just send them back. She can't invest the students because she doesn't know what makes them tick. And, as several of her coworkers pointed out afterwards, she can't discipline them because, as a white woman with a mild manner, "they won't listen to her."
It is amazing how for the past few weeks, all my roommates and I have been planning for is behavior management. Nowhere is talk about the actual instruction of English grammar or fractions. Student's can't learn if they aren't behaving; therefore, this has become our greatest, most important battle to win.
Poor behavior, though, isn't always the students' fault. True, some know very well that they are misbehaving and will shape up given an assertive or sassy teacher, but many have never been taught how to behave. THerefore, we can't expect that consequence systems will effectively dispel their delinquency. Rather than continually saying "stop," we need to say, "here's how..." Easier said than done.
I have learned so much this summer. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Many tears have been shed and many emotions drained to the point of emptiness, apathy. But we need to continually recommit ourselves, remember our vision, remember that these young human beings deserve an education that can take them wherever they wish to go. We need to focus outward and find our strength. We need to find those points of vulnerability behind the annals of defense built to cover years' and years' worth of failure, incompetency, and low expectations. It's not about us.
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